A Dream of a Dream, Deja Vu
by Averon
Summary: I heard once, a long time ago, that healing comes with time. It's a load of crap. From my experiece, it just gets worse. It consumes you. Denial is a better fate than that. Postwar, past HPDM Slash, you've been warned...


Hey. Here's something else for you. I came up with the idea for this awhile ago when I was playing DDR. Don't ask.

Warnings - past HPDM Slash, established character deaths (note the _s_ there people, the war's over), and bastardized Ron.

Disclaimer - I don't own Harry Potter. I''ve been in therapy for three weeks getting over it.

- - - - -

_Every time I lose my self control  
__It feels like I can't let you go  
__I'm at the point of no return_

Drifting Away by Lange featuring Skye

- - - - -

I heard once, a long time ago, that healing comes with time. It's a load of crap. From my experience, the pain just gets worse. It consumes you. Denial is a far better fate than that.

- - - - -

Classes are impossible. I can't pay attention. I can only hear their voices, not their words. They muddle together in a steam of meaningless syllables. Hermione looks concerned. She gives me her notes after class. It's funny; I don't even know which one it was.

It's been like this for awhile. The days are blurred together. I don't remember if I slept last night or what I had for breakfast, or if I even had it at all. I can see the teachers giving me piteous looks. They ask me to stay after class. It's lunch time.

There is nothing appetizing about eating; I don't care what they tell you. People keep poking at me and telling me to eat. I get a forkful of chicken in my mouth and feel nauseous. They rest of the meal my food turns into pictures on my plate and congeals. Hermione give Ron a meaningful look. I don't think he's talked to me lately.

I think now I have a free period. No one's grabbed my arm to bring me anywhere. I sit at the table in the Great Hall for fifteen minutes waiting to see if anyone knows where I'm supposed to go, but no one comes. Why did they leave me here alone? I stand up unsteadily and stagger as my head gets light. I don't think the world's supposed to tip like that.

Walking to the door isn't easy. Every step I take the ground tries to throw me off, but I have to get there. I have to get outside. Maybe there's someone out there waiting for me? I think I need to meet someone out there. I don't remember why; maybe we're working on a project? That doesn't sound right.

I fall heavily against the door with a sickening thud. My shoulder hurts more than it should and my stomach attempts to rebel. I lurch away from the entrance and pull my sleeve up and see my arm painted yellow and green from elbow to shoulder. I've done this before; a dream of a dream; déjà vu. I blink into the sunlight and sit on the steps to attempt to regain control of my body. I can't see properly; there are black spots dancing in my eyes and the earth sways like a ship on harsh seas. My head grows heavy and I rise. I can't fall asleep.

I make my way across the grounds slowly, wondering towards a tree by the lake. It's the tree my father and his friends used to sit under when they went here. I smile when I reach it and touch the bark. Quietly, I sit and lean against its trunk, running my hands over the moss and dust at its base. I stay there until I hear a bell sound somewhere in the castle and pull my legs against my chest.

I feel my eyes fill with tears and spill before it all goes black.

He's not coming…

- - - - -

"Hey." My body shivers with delight as the cool voice flows against my skin. My eyes open on their own accord and a smile runs across my face.

He came.

"What's wrong? Didn't you miss me?" His voice drifts around me, taunting me. I don't care. I reach up and run my fingers through his hair. I must have fallen asleep again.

"I always miss you." My voice sounds broken to my ears. I frown slightly. Why? I'm not sad.

His grey eyes darken with concern. His hand finds its way to the side of my face and wipes away my tears. Why am I crying? His hand cups my cheek and I lean against it, my eyes staying open to take in the sight of him. It seems like it's been ages since I've seen him; it's strange. Didn't I talk to him during free period yesterday? My thoughts stop when he kisses me, caressing my cheek with his thumb as his lips play against mine, sadly? Desperately? That doesn't seem right.

"I'm sorry." His breath whispers across my jaw as he runs a trail of kisses down it, down my neck. I gasp. He nips at my ear and pulls away. I open my eyes and gaze at his face. He's crying too. I kiss him softly and wrap my arms around his neck. He tastes like salt.

"I'm sorry." He pulls me off of him lightly, runs his knuckles down my cheek, and disappears. My voice cries out and my mind screams. You can't apparate in Hogwarts. I remember.

Here.

Under the tree, _our_ tree.

It was _here_.

I feel the blood drain from my face and I stand quickly, too quickly. I trip over the roots and back away.

His body is at its base, where I'd been sleeping.

If you just look at his face, he could be sleeping. He looks so innocent, so sweet; but his body—

I feel a scream rip from my throat as my body scampers backwards, over the roots, over the bodies.

All of the twisted bodies.

I can only see him. His chest's been ripped open, dried blood staining the earth around him. There are sticks tangled in his hair. His arms; his legs— bent where limbs weren't meant to be bent.

I think I just stumbled over Hagrid—

I scream some more.

I'm torn back to reality.

- - - - -

"Harry! Harry, wake up!" Hermione, she's crying. I can hear it in her voice. I sit up suddenly and fall back onto the blankets when my head spins too fast.

Wasn't I just outside?

"Thank god." Her voice catches as she sobs. My heart refuses to slow. A dream, a dream— it was all a dream. It has to be.

"D-Draco?" My throat tightens and I choke on the word. My hands clench and unclench on top of the blankets. I sit back up, slower this time. Even to my own ears my voice sounds ill-used.

"Oh, Harry…" Hermione looks at me with pitying eyes. Why should she pity me! It's was a dream! A stupid nightmare. It had to be a—

I shut my eyes tightly and shake my head. "No."

"Harry, he's—" I can't hear this.

"NO!" My voice tears from my throat as the tears start again. This has happened before; a dream of a dream, déjà vu… I stand and try to run away. Someone grabs me by the shoulders and forces me back on the bed. My body thrashes as my mind begins to go numb.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!"

A sharp pain in my face. My cheek. Draco used to—

"NOO!"

"Harry, shut UP!" I open my eyes in shock. My visions blurry from tears but I can see his hair. Red hair.

Ron?

But he hasn't talked to me since…

Someone puts on my glasses and I blink and stare at him. He looks scared, hurt, lonely. I can still see the hatred in his eyes.

"I hate to break it to you, Harry, but he's dead. He's been dead for months and I'm glad of it. He changed you! Can't you see that! I told you he'd hurt you and he did! I was right about something for once, GET OVER HIM!" His voice is harsh; it hurts my ears. I hug my legs to my chest and push myself against the head board.

"Ron…" Hermione, breaking in. Attempting to calm him. It won't work. _This_ hasn't happened before. He's been waiting for this for a long time.

"No, Hermione. He needs to wake up. Malfoy's not the only one who died." The words sting; ring in my head. Over and over… I always knew that.

Flashes; bodies. Ginny, Percy, Hagrid, McGonagall, Dumbledore, Fred, George, Molly, Kingsley, Mundungus, Sirius, Remus, Mum, Dad, Cedric, Draco…

Too many. My fault. All my fault.

It should have been me.

I rock back and forth and bury my head in my arms to try to keep the images away. My throat's closed; I cry silently.

Someone hugs me, Ron has left. I hear that same someone singing softly, but I can't discern the tune. I hug them back and cry into a willing shoulder until I drift away, into a deep unconsciousness. One without dreams.

- - - - -

A/N That's it for now. There'll be another chapter, but that's it. I'll get it out ASP, I was going to make it a one-shot, but I got pulled off to go to conditioning for feild hockey and I didn't want to ruin the mood.

Please reveiw, you guys make people like me feel good about our non-exsistent lives!

Later,

Averon


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